i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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