I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
