I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
