I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
