I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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