i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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