May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
