Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
