I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
