I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
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Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
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And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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