I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
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I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
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I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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