I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
