youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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