i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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