my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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