her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
