you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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