Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize