the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I need to calm my uterus...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
