The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
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I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are going to name an STD after you.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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