can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
