I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
