I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
