Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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