smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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