I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
