So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
