did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
