she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
