There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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