i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
