I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
