T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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