our cab driver is having phone sex.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
