dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
