Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
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