17 year olds will be the death of me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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