I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
