just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
