woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
