I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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