How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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