i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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