11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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