Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
