Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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