Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
