spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
