Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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