Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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