Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
