you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
