He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
