apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Enjoy the penises
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
