My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
